Woody Allen in Critical Condition After Man Steps on Him
Legendary filmmaker not pressing charges.
By Bush Beer
From the bushes on Fifth Avenue, I can confirm that legendary filmmaker Woody Allen is in critical condition after a man accidentally stepped on him in New York City, earlier this week. The diminutive Allen, who has shrunk considerably over the years, was heading to the set of his new movie, Deconstructing a Rainy Day at Midnight in Paris in Café Society with Blue Jasmine, when the incident occurred.
“I swear I didn’t see him,” said Blake Bishop, the alleged stepper who was visiting the city on a business trip. “I heard a crunch under my foot and thought it was a peanut shell, or maybe a cricket, and I looked down and saw Woody Allen, clinging to life on the sidewalk.”
Bishop immediately scooped the 89-year-old filmmaker up and placed his crushed body gently in the palm of his hand. He shielded Allen from onlookers with his other hand and then raced him to the nearest hospital.
“It’s devastating to think that I may have crushed a Hollywood icon under my shoe,” said Bishop, as he cleaned tiny specks of Allen’s blood and guts from his sole.
Allen has suffered similar accidents in recent years, thanks to his size. In 2023 Ben Stiller accidentally sat on him in a courtside seat at a Knicks’ game. Family and friends have warned the legendary filmmaker that he should stop making movies and refrain from appearing in public, because of the threat of being crushed.
“I have to admit, it has gotten hard to work with Woody,” said Wallace Shawn, who starred in Allen’s 2020 film, Rifkin’s Festival. “I’m a little guy myself, but he’s now the size of a small beetle. I had trouble hearing his directions on set for Rifkin’s Festival, all I could hear was a series of high-pitched squeaks. I just nodded along with whatever he said.”
At press time Allen was listed in critical condition, and he is expected to make a full recovery.
The bush I hid in for this story was a Titan Boxwood Shrub in desperate need of a trim.
