Los Angeles to Open Crisis Center for Stars Considering Relationship with Machine Gun Kelly
The center will also help those romantically considering Nick Cannon.
By Bush Bill
From the bushes outside of the mayor’s office, I can now confirm that Los Angeles has announced plans to open a groundbreaking crisis center for young stars who plan to date rapper-turnt-pop rocker, Machine Gun Kelly. Mayor, Karen Bass, confirmed plans for the new center during a press conference earlier this week.
“Marijuana, heroin, Adderall, underage girls, these are all things MGK loves more than the movie stars he catches in his web,” Bass said before smashing a collector’s edition vinyl of Tickets to my Downfall into pieces. “With this center, we can prevent stars from falling into the trap that is Colson Baker. Lady movie stars, please listen to me. You do not have to end up like Megan Fox or go down the path Sydney Sweeney is currently flirting with. What makes you think that man will be loyal to you? He is not even loyal to the rap game.”
No location for the center has been announced yet, but Bass has confirmed it will be equipped with state-of-the-art resources to help young stars struggling with puppy love.
“Every star who enters the center will be connected with a PR team who will suggest a more compatible partner for their relationship,” Bass said, before recommending examples of ‘nice boys’ like Tom Holland, Michael B. Jordan, and Jake Johnson to members of the press. “At the start, we’ll only be able to service the stars considering MGK, but we hope to eventually expand to stars considering relationships with Nick Cannon, Kanye West, and Taylor Swift.”
Machine Gun Kelly’s PR team pulled no punches in responding to the mayor’s announcement.
“So, what, like Kel’s supposed to just date normies now? Gross.” MGK’s PR rep said in an interview, before getting violently ill at the thought of his client having to commingle with members of the general public.
At press time Machine Gun Kelly had reportedly discovered that Sydney Sweeney was not a high school student, but played one on TV, which led to the couple parting ways.
The bush I hid in for today's story was an Angelina stonecrop.
