Francis Ford Coppola Hires Hitman to Eliminate Anyone Who Has Seen Megalopolis Outside of Theaters
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By Bush Bill
From an undisclosed bush, I can now confirm that Francis Ford Coppola has hired a professional hitman to take out anyone who has viewed his latest film, Megalopolis, outside of a movie theater. Coppola confirmed his intentions with TMZ, who caught up with the famed film maker during his weekly Target run.
“I am tired of audiences thinking they can just watch my movies wherever the hell they want,” Coppola said from the comfort of his car, while waiting for his Target pickup order. “It is sickening. Megalopolis was a labor of love, but I am all out of love for moviegoers who are not going out to movies. Calling them moviegoers feels like a great disrespect to the people who go to the movies. Moviestayers would be a better term, I guess. Who are you again? What were we talking about?”
After regaining his composure Coppola went into details about how the hits would go down.
“This guy is nasty. He is good with a gun, but he prefers something a bit cleaner, like poison or making it look like an accident,” Coppola said, before berating a Target worker for being rough with his grocery bag of eggs, Barefoot wine, and new 4K Blu-rays. “I had to sell another winery to pay the guy up front, but it’s totally worth it to keep Megalopolis a pure moviegoing experience.”
Coppola later confirmed that he is not letting the hitman have all the fun. As the interview concluded, Coppola called the Target worker back to his car for a tip and a line of questioning about his viewership of Megalopolis.
“Sorry I was so rough on you kid. Here's an Andrew Jackson for your troubles. Oh, one more thing. You a Megalopolis viewer,” Coppola asked, now wearing red-tinted sunglasses. The Target worker, shaking in fear, nodded as Coppola reached for an AR-15 in his backseat. “Oh yeah? What kind of Megalopolis viewer are you?”
At press time Coppola struggled to remember how to turn off the safety on his AR-15.
The bush I hid in for this story will remain anonymous, for my safety.
