Charlie Day Files to Legally Change Name to Charlie Kelly
Also, did you know he’s married to The Waitress in real life?
By Bush Bill
From a bush nowhere near Philadelphia, I can now confirm that Charlie Day has filed the paperwork to officially change his name to Charlie Kelly. The change comes after two decades of people getting his last name wrong, thanks in part to his character, Charlie Kelly.
“When we were creating the show, I had concerns about my character being named Charlie,” Kelly said, between takes on the set of the show’s seventeenth season. “I told Glenn and Rob that it could confuse people. They told me there was nothing to worry about and that I was being a total spaz. Well, here we are now. Twenty years later, and even my own family is calling me Charlie Kelly. So, why fight it? You want Charlie Kelly? I’ll give you Charlie Kelly. I’ll give you Charlie Kelly 24/7.”
Kelly then went into a tirade on set, yelling obscenities at his co-stars and berating anyone that crossed his path.
“Fuck Glenn and Rob. Am I spazzing out now? Look at me. Do I look like a spaz,” Kelly asked, while holding a bowie knife and a breakfast burrito. “I’m going to start getting both your names wrong all the time. How’s that feel, Dennis and Mac? Does that feel good? You got these perfectly good names your mothers gave you, and I’m not going to use them anymore. You’re just TV characters to me now.”
Things finally calmed down, when the actress who plays The Waitress, who it turns out is married to Kelly in real life, arrived on set to rub his belly.
“Charlie, eat your breakfast burrito,” The Waitress said, as she set the bowie knife aside and continued to rub her husband’s belly until he purred. “That’s a good boy. Now finish up on set and you can go voice a video game character who isn’t named Charlie. Would you like that? I knew you would. There you go, Charlie. Burrito in. Burrito in.”
At press time this reporter discovered The Waitress’ real name is Mary Elizabeth Ellis.
The bush I hid in for this story was a Russian Sage.
