Amazon Studios Announces New Bond Villain Will Be Liberal Arts Graduate Student
With a certificate in Theatre Studies.
By Bush Bill
From the bushes outside of Amazon Studios, I can now confirm that the next Bond villain in the film franchise will be played by a liberal arts graduate student. The casting was confirmed by Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, during the company’s recent earnings call.
“The script is still coming together, but I told the team during a creative brainstorm session that we needed the most evil, the most corrupt, and the most vile villain to ever be in the franchise, and I think they hit the mark with this liberal arts grad student.” Bezos said on the video call, before pausing to shoot his housekeeper for using the wrong laundry detergent on his sheets. “This villain is nasty. He’s trying to erase all student loans and change all human life as we know it. This forces 007 to come to the states to try and stop his evil plan.”
Bezos yipped with excitement, confirming that he was given the honor of naming the Bond girl for the upcoming film. He also shared some details about casting for the film’s villain.
“We’re not looking for a household name for this. We want an actual liberal arts graduate student to fill the role,” Bezos said before kicking a puppy. “If you get an established actor, you have to treat them right and give them pee breaks. No thank you. Glenn Powell running off set to go pee pee would cost us way too much time and money. With a nobody, we can keep him on set all day, and if he needs to make number 1, we’ll be sure to have plenty of bottles on set.”
Critics have been concerned with Amazon’s treatment of the legendary James Bond series. Mostly the company’s lack of creativity and willingness to milk the series dry. Bezos addressed those critics during the call.
“Fuck yeah we’re milking this shit dry,” Bezos said, before refusing to tip the Uber Eats worker who dropped off his poor people food. “You thought we were going to just stick to one Bond film every four to six years? Hell no, we’re going to Call of Duty this shit. I want a movie and ten shows every year. Fuck the Broccolis. Fucking evil rich people. I can’t stand them.”
At press time Albert Broccoli had rolled in his grave so hard that his casket ended up digging itself all the way down to the core of the Earth.
The bush I hid in for this story was an Oriental Bittersweet, which also happens to be the name of the Bond girl in the upcoming film.
