A24 Funded Study Discovers New Skarsgård Variants
Scientists believe there may be up to 10 new variants.
By Bush Bill
From a bush outside of A24 HQ in NYC, I can now confirm that a recent study funded by the indie film studio has unveiled multiple new variants of Skarsgård. Terry Perry, DNA sequencing expert and lead scientist of the study, confirmed their findings in a press conference earlier this week.
“We originally set out to find a new subset of actors for an upcoming batch of A24 films,” Perry said before announcing that she has never seen an A24 ‘movie’, which sent members of the press into a collective gasp. “Our search took us to the mid-west, or as it is more commonly known, ‘the flyover states.’ We were mostly unsuccessful in our search, but then during a pit stop in the bootheel of Missouri, we discovered a young gas station attendant who was not aware he was a Skarsgård.”
Perry’s words bounced off the audience as they still tried to wrap their heads around her never seeing an A24 film (and the fact that she called them movies). Unphased, Perry continued delivering the rest of their findings.
“This discovery opened the floodgates. Within a 50-mile radius of where we discovered the first Skarsgård variant, we soon discovered nine more, all working some form of service job and unaware of their potential as a Skarsgård,” Perry said, as members of the press discussed their favorite A24 movies. “Now that we are aware of the variants, the next phase of our study is to assess them on screen. This can be tricky. You do not want to introduce a variant to the masses too soon. It can be devastating for everyone involved. You also do not want to push too many variants at once. If everyone is a Skarsgård, then no one is a Skarsgård.”
At this point in the press conference, Perry took questions from members of the press.
“So, you mean to tell me, you’ve never seen Spring Breakers or Under the Skin,” asked one reporter from the New York Times.
“In all that time on the road, you never sat down to watch the modern classic, Beau is Afraid,” asked another reporter from the Washington Post.
“Are you afraid these findings will lose legitimacy because you haven’t watched The Green Knight,” asked a scientist representing the Journal of Genetics.
At press time Perry promised to watch Midsommar to help move the press conference along and get back to the study’s findings.
The bush I hid in for this story was a Canadian Serviceberry, oh Canada.
Brilliant. Honestly (and humbly), this feels similar to the kind of satire I try to hit in my own writing. Subbed immediately!